It’s the first day of spring, so I thought I should check in on how I’m doing with the intentions I made in December for making 2013 my best year yet. I’ve lost sight of a few things already but I’m not worried. I’ve still got 9 months to go in 2013 and with today marking the beginning of the astrological new year, it’s a perfect time to start fresh. My seeds of intention are planted and with this new spring energy I know my deepest desires will bloom and flourish.
Two ongoing struggles seem to be loving more, judging less and learning to be. Loving more and judging less is a journey. I still find myself muttering under my breath at people doing stupid things in traffic, but I’m not actually angry most of the time. I’ve programmed myself to react this way, now I just need reprogram my brain to have a different reaction. I’ll get there. Loving myself has been an up and down thing, it’s hard to remember to do it when I’m feeling down. A couple of weeks ago when I was feeling the blah’s I noticed the thoughts “What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this again?” pop up in my head. I suffered from depression when I was a teenager and hadn’t felt that way in a very long time. I was frustrated that it was coming back because I thought I was done with it. When I became aware of those thoughts, I was reminded that I’m never going to feel OK if I believe there is something wrong with me or that I need to be fixed. I had to remember that what I was feeling in that moment was OK, that this was just an experience I was having and those feelings just needed to be expressed. I remembered my own advice and began to love and accept myself exactly where I was. Even though I was feeling sad and lonely, I was OK.
I gave myself the permission to feel this way and I was able to move through it easier than I expected. I started feeling down right before the annual Hoop Path weekend workshop. I was lucky enough to spend 9 or 10 hours in my hoop over the course of the weekend and was so fortunate to have that time to express what was going on inside of me. I went through a whole range of emotions – sadness, anger, loneliness but eventually I felt happy, joyful and radiant. By the end of the weekend I felt like the cloud I was living under had lifted. The combination of movement, expression and unconditional love were so powerful in helping me through the not so desirable emotions I was experiencing. I’m happy to report that these days I’m feeling, well, happy. Since winter weather is still dragging on, I added vitamin D to my daily supplement routine and have been remembering as much as I can to love myself exactly where I am.
Human being? This has been another journey for me too. How can I allow myself to just be? Not do, be? We are human beings, not human doings but I struggle with this all the time. I have a lot of practices that nurture my mind, body and soul. Hoop dance, meditation and yoga are all great for bringing me more peace, mental clarity or for exercising my body, but sometimes I get overwhelmed because even though I enjoy those things, I end up busy and still lack down time. How do I even go about doing nothing though? I often feel guilty, like I should be doing something, doing nothing feels like an unproductive use of my time. The only memories I have where I’ve been truly at peace while doing nothing are while I’ve been laying in a hammock or floating on a lake.
Those activities in themselves are enough. I can just appreciate where I am and am completely content just being. When I was a college student, I once had a meltdown because I was completely burnt out from my workload and stressed to the max. I snapped under the stress and pretty much laid still and silent in bed for 3 or 4 hours because I physically and emotionally couldn’t do anything else. I wouldn’t recommend waiting until the stress gets so bad that you have no choice but to let yourself be, however it did help me feel a little more like a human and less like a machine. Things aren’t that bad these days but I do need to remind myself to bring some of that relaxed hammock attitude into my life more often.
I feel like I’m making some progress with my other intentions too. I’m learning more so that I can share. I’ve become a Reiki Master Practitioner and have been doing energy exchanges with other practitioners. The Hoop Path Weekend helped bring me back into the hooping community as it had been awhile since I had been to a hooping event and it was great to hang out with so many amazing, inspiring and talented people all weekend. I’ve been trying to say yes more often or at least give a little extra consideration to something before I say no. I’m open to possibilities and challenges this year, whether that means trying a difficult yoga pose out or doing bigger & scarier things. I’ve also been asking my gymnast friends for tips on how to do a cartwheel, it seems daunting still, but I’m certain I’ll figure out it.
Well there it is, I’m making some progress but still have a long way to go. I see today as a breath of fresh air that will bring my intentions to life. How exciting! I invite you to take some time today to think about what you want to bring into your life in the coming months. Remember, energy flows where attention goes, so allow yourself time to tap into what you want to focus your attention on.